Home is where the hold is

I haven't been well lately, which is one reason why I haven't blogged in so long.  A chest infection is making it hard to breathe.  So, when Master fucks me, he has been making sure to push his weight firmly onto my chest.  Good sadomasochism can turn any situation into an opportunity - and far be it from my Master to not take full advantage.

Another thing fairly unique to Master in bed is his tendency to keep talking - describing ideas for scenes, or just saying single words, designed to keep me where he wants me, and guide my mind to the state he desires.  In this way, what we are actually doing becomes almost irrelevant, as even a straightforward, missionary-style quickie becomes a mental rollercoaster of corruption, humiliation, torture, and pleasure.

So the other night, he wasn't just fucking me, but engulfing me; suffocating me with pressure on my chest, filling my mind with thought and sound.  My mind was swimming with him as he fucked so long that my breathlessness faltered my ability to orgasm, or do anything else for that matter.  I was not me, I was just a vessel, full of him.  So the impact hit particularly hard when he turned his verbal torrent to say, "It does not matter what you want: you could be mine for the rest of your life if I decide, even if you don't want it. You have no choice."

The rest of my life.  If I want it, or not.  Those were the words that captured me most fully, their truth resonating through my body and taking me to that place of surrender.  There are still times when I question my desire to keep my promise to him, to be his indefinitely - times when I fall into despair and wonder how to get out of this.  But his power of me is complete - there is no way out of this of my own choosing.  And that knowledge never fails to bring me back to submission, and in turn, contentment.

Ah, the bliss of knowing I may not choose.  Freedom of responsibility.  Relinquishment of power.  The safety of knowing no matter what happens, no matter how I think or feel, there is somewhere I still belong.